


The Hour of Lead

by blancanieve



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies), star trek kelvin timeline
Genre: Angst, Emotional pain, F/M, Hurt Bones, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Misunderstandings, PTSD, Post Star Trek Into Darkness, Unrequited Love, Worried Jim, Worried crew
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-09
Updated: 2017-07-07
Packaged: 2018-11-04 21:56:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 20,035
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10999791
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blancanieve/pseuds/blancanieve
Summary: While Jim is in the hospital recovering after his warp core death, Leonard accidentally hears Spock and Jim talking. What he hears breaks his heart and he disappears.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I started writing this right after I saw "Into Darkness." I hated how the writers treated Bones! First, they have Jim fall apart on the bridge when Bones gets his arm stuck in the torpedo, then in a complete turn around, they have Jim thank Spock and ignore Bones who brought him back from the dead. Ugh! 
> 
> I recently found my original draft and decided to finish it.  
> Hope you enjoy.

**The Hour of Lead**

  
**Chapter 1**

 **After great pain a formal feeling comes--**  
**The nerves sit ceremonious like tombs;**  
**The stiff Heart questions--was it He that bore?**  
**And yesterday--or centuries before?**  
**The feet, mechanical, go round**  
**A wooden way**  
**Of ground, or air, or ought,**  
**Regardless grown,**  
**A quartz contentment, like a stone.**  
**This is the hour of lead**  
**Remembered if outlived,**  
**As freezing persons recollect the snow.**  
**First chill, then stupor, then the letting go.**

**Emily Dickinson**

 

Dr. Leonard 'Bones' McCoy leaned against the hospital corridor wall and tried to breathe. Clinically, he knew he was having some sort of panic attack, so he took in a deep breath, then another, trying to calm his galloping heart. _Breathe_ , he told himself. _Slowly. In and out, in and out._ He had to get out of here before someone saw him, he had to leave before Spock left Jim's room, before Jim realized he was here and had overheard his and Spock's conversation.

He drew his trembling body away from the wall and staggered back to the little makeshift office he'd been assigned. He opened the office door blindly, locked it behind him, and collapsed in the desk chair. The small office was dark, bereft of any  comfort or attractiveness and since Leonard only used it for writing down Jim's recovery notes he'd made no effort to improve it. Good, no one would realize he was here and he could gather his composure. He had to think, decide what to do. Jim was doing really well now, he'd been awake for a full week, and soon he would start his rehab and another doctor, Boyce or M'Benga, could take over his care.

Leonard put his head in his hands and pulled hard on his thick dark hair trying to still his racing thoughts and thundering heart. He couldn't stay here, not anymore. What he'd overheard was the last nail in the coffin to his and Jim's relationship, their friendship, all they'd been to one another through their years together at the Academy and afterward on the ship. His dream, his hope for their deep friendship to become something more, for them to take that final step, to be together as more than just friends, was gone in a heartbeat. He scoffed at himself. There would be no such relationship, and now it looked as if there wasn't even much of a friendship. Jim was obviously fed up with him, wanted nothing more to do with him. Looking back it had been fairly obvious for a while; Leonard had just been in denial. Truthfully, his love for Jim had blinded him. He’d been in love with him for too long to see the reality of how things had been changing between them, even before Khan, before Jim's death in the warp core.

His face burned in humiliation. He had seen it and yet glossed over it in his head and in his heart, seen how Jim was systematically and carefully working very hard to win Spock over. The gentle, careful conversations, the light touches to his sleeve, the invitations to play chess, the secret side glances to check Spock's reaction to things Jim would say. They'd have lunch at the mess, just the two of them, excluding, not inviting Leonard or Uhura. Slowly, inexorably, he'd seen Spock succumb to Jim's charisma and charm. Leonard had seen it all as it was happening, and though it hurt him terribly to see Spock replace him in Jim's affections, it was obviously something that Jim wanted, so he had tried to ignore his breaking heart and still be the friend he'd always been to Jim. Then had come Khan, and it was Spock Jim had wanted with him as he died, and it was Spock he'd thanked for saving his life. Jim had never even acknowledged that Leonard had saved him, had brought him back from the dead. Everything had been about Spock.

Leonard had been hurt, deeply hurt, and finally, no longer in denial, but he'd put aside his grief and hurt to care for Jim, to supervise his recovery, to be the doctor Jim needed him to be to bring him back to total health. Slowly, Jim was returning to full health, and this week Leonard had made up his mind to talk to him about how things were between them. He needed to know, to find out why Jim hadn't called for him, his best friend, his doctor, as he was dying, why, when he'd opened his eyes, he'd all but ignored Leonard and what Leonard had done for him with Khan's blood serum. Jim had only thanked Spock, barely acknowledged Leonard was even in the room. He had to know if Jim no longer wanted Leonard as his doctor, as his best friend, or even in his life anymore. He had psyched himself up for the difficult conversation and had walked down the hospital corridor to Jim’s room, but he'd stopped at his door when he heard Spock's deep voice talking, his voice rough with emotion Spock would never admit to. Leonard hadn't meant to eavesdrop, but he'd stood frozen just outside the door listening, unable to make his feet move away.

_"Jim, I do not wish to hurt Nyota," Spock was saying softly. Leonard, peered carefully through the cracked open door, to see that he was sitting on Jim's bed, and that Jim's blue eyes were intent on Spock's face, his hand curled gently around the blue clad sleeve._

_"I know Spock, but you have to tell her the truth. It's not fair not to tell her. Better to hurt her now than wait and hurt her more later. You know I'm right. You've been together a long time, she needs to know the truth. Jim had paused for a long minute, then asked. Would you like for me to tell her? I'm willing to do it, to save you from hurting her. I know how difficult this is for you, I know you don't want to cause her pain."_

_"I do not, Jim. It is is the last thing I want to do, but it must be I who must tell her the reality of our situation, and although it will be difficult, I will. It is my responsibility, not yours, but I thank you for the offer."_

_"Anything for you, Spock. You know that. Whatever you need me to do, I'll do."_

_"Yes, I know you will, Jim. It is the same for me towards you. Now perhaps it is best if I leave you. Dr.McCoy is due to visit soon, and he will not like to see me here, disturbing your rest."_

_Jim snorted. "Bones doesn't ever want anyone here, Spock. He's like a mother hen with one chick, and to tell you the truth, I'm getting really tired of it. If it wasn't for you and your daily visits, I'd be pulling my hair out in boredom. I'm a lot better now, but it's like Bones has nothing else to do, nothing in his life except taking care of me."_

_"Jim," Spock's gentle voice was filled with reproach. "The doctor just wants you to get well, to be your old self again. He has only your welfare in mind. He thinks of nothing but you, of your health, and your regaining your strength. Dr. McCoy is being very careful of you. He cares very much for you."_

_Leonard heard Jim's sigh. "I know he does, Spock. But I am a lot better now, and Bones just won't see it. He still acts as if I'm going to disappear in the wink of an eye. I'm fed up with it. He needs to find another interest besides me, not just focus all his time and energy on me. He needs to get out of this hospital once in a while, go for a hike, go out to lunch with friends, go visit Joanna or his mom. He just needs to give me a little breathing room. It's all too much, he's too much! He's suffocating me!"_

Leonard heard no more. The corridor was buzzing around him. In a daze he backed away from the door and walked hurriedly back through the corridor to his office to have his quiet panic attack.

Now sitting in his office chair, he drew in a deep breath, striving for some semblance of calm. He had to plan. He couldn't stay here anymore, not after what he'd heard Jim say. Bitterly, he realized that his yearning for a life with Jim always by his side, either in friendship or in love, was in ashes around his feet, obliterated, gone up in flames in an instant. He'd always kept a tight leash on his imagination and emotions regarding Jim, knowing Jim and his stance on monogamy, but hope was altogether a different thing. In his heart of hearts he'd harbored a tiny flicker of hope that he'd never been able to kill. He should have known better than to hope. Hoping had never gotten him anywhere.

He had a lot of leave time accumulated, weeks and weeks of leave; now he was glad he'd never taken any of it, just a couple of days here and there, a long weekend occasionally. The days and weeks accumulating through his years as a doctor at SFM during his time at the Academy, and later on the ship. His leave time kept multiplying like Tribbles to the point where Dr. Boyce had been annoyed that he didn't take enough time off. So now, he'd go ask Dr. Boyce to grant him a leave of absence and he'd go somewhere. He knew that Dr. Boyce would agree no questions asked. He'd been after Leonard for months to take some time off, to make time for himself, to decompress, to perhaps write a book. Leonard, always afraid to delegate the care of the risk addicted Jim to the hands of another doctor, had steadfastly refused. So now he would take all his accumulated leave to look for another job. He'd leave right away. He couldn't, he wouldn't stay on after what he heard. He'd resign as Jim's CMO. It would kill him to see Spock and Jim together, to see the deep hurt in Uhura's eyes, the pity in some of the faces on the ship.

He wouldn't tell anyone where he was going, but, he decided suddenly, he'd go off planet. Yes, he'd go where no one could find him. He got up, pulled himself together, ran shaky fingers through his thick dark hair, and went in search of Dr. Boyce. He found him at his desk bent over several padds hard at work in his office. The door was open and Leonard knocked softly. Admiral Boyce looked up. "Leonard!" He face lightened in pleasure. "What can I do for you? It's not often you come to see me in my office. Sit down."

Leonard sat down, drew in a deep shuddering breath and came right to the point. "Dr. Boyce, I came to ask you for a leave of absence." He looked into the kindly, shrewd gray eyes and hurried on. "I'm worn out, Admiral, more than just worn out, I’m weary in body and soul, totally exhausted and I don't want to compromise the care of my patient. Jim is doing very well now, and you or Dr.M'Benga can take over his care. I need time to decompress, to rest, perhaps to finally write that book you've always wanted me to write. I'll go somewhere quiet, away from everything and everyone and get started on it.”

Dr. Boyce leaned back in his chair. His eyes, fixed on Leonard face, missed nothing. He could see that the man in front of him was holding on to his composure by a thread. He was pale and obviously distraught, although trying his best to hide it. Boyce knew that there was no finer physician in all of Starfleet, no one steadier in a crisis than Leonard McCoy, as he had proved innumerable times. Only something catastrophic could have rattled him to the extent of requesting leave. Boyce sat silent, thinking rapidly. If Leonard McCoy needed a leave of absence so badly, then a leave of absence he would get. Something had happened to McCoy today, of that Phillip Boyce had no doubt, but right now, was obviously not the time to question him. Perhaps later he'd see if Captain Kirk could shed some light on the matter.

"Of course, Len. If that's what you need, I'll sign your leave request immediately. Happy to do it. Don't worry about it. You have many weeks of accumulated leave accrued, so you take all the time you need. Just let me know later on when you want to end your leave; we'll leave it open for now. I'll take over Captain Kirk's case immediately and then turn it over to Geoffrey M'Benga. The Captain is doing fine so you don't have to worry about him. Have you told him yet that you're leaving?"

"No, I haven't, but he won't care." He raised hazel eyes to Boyce and the Admiral was taken aback at the anguish he saw in their depths. "Jim thinks I'm being over zealous in my care of him. That it's all been too much and he's fed up with it, that I'm spending too much time with him, that he needs a break from me. Jim voiced his feelings about me to one of the crew, Dr. Boyce. I know he'll be in good hands with you and Dr. M'Benga and Jim'll be in far more detached and objective hands than mine."

The Admiral nodded and Leonard drew in a deep shuddering breath of relief, his stiff shoulders relaxing a little. "Thank you, Dr.Boyce. I really need this time off. I'll let you know when I plan to end my leave and my return date." He cleared his clogged throat and stood. "I've taken up enough of your time, Sir, I'll let you get back to work."

"Where do you plan to go for your leave, Len? To Georgia?"

"I don't know yet, Admiral, but definitely not Georgia. Somewhere out of the way. I've been thinking that I'll go off planet. My daughter and her mother are on Cerebus right now and I might take a shuttle hop to see her, but I'm not sure about that yet. Maybe I'll go to one of the frontier planets, I hear some of them are pretty remote and need doctors pretty badly. I could do some volunteer work there."

Phillip Boyce vehemently shook his head in protest as he stood. "No, Len, I really don't recommend you do that." He looked at Leonard's set face and sighed inwardly. Leonard would do what he wanted to do. "I can't stop you, but if you do decide to go, just be very careful, take precautions. Some of the frontier planets are pretty rough places, lawless even, and they can be very dangerous for Fleet personnel. Leave your uniform behind and dress in civilian clothes. Don't tell anyone who you really are, that you're a Fleet doctor; much safer for you that way. Think it over very carefully before you make that decision. Good luck and let me know if I can do anything else for you."

"I will, Sir, and thank you again." Leonard shook hands and walked out of the office. The relief he felt was enormous. He would go straight to his Fleet issued apartment, pack, go to the bank to draw out his credits, then take the first shuttle he could find off planet. He'd have to comm his mother so she wouldn't worry; he'd also send a note to Jim to inform him he was no longer his doctor, but other than Eleanora, Dr. Boyce, and Jim, he'd tell no one he was leaving. He'd disappear for a few weeks. Get out of Jim's hair just like he wanted. It would be just Jim and Spock now; no Leonard to get in the way. He spared a thought for Nyota. Her heart, too, would be broken.

Inside his dusty apartment (he realized he hadn't stepped foot in it since Jim had died) he pulled out his two big duffle bags and began to pack; he cleared out his closet, put all his clothes in one duffle and his personal momentos in another. His real paper books, most of them gifts from Jim, he wrapped lovingly and carefully. His medical padds, his music, his holos of Joanna, of his mom and dad, he also wrapped very carefully. The holo of him and Jim, laughing and happy, their arms around each other, the holo which was his favorite, and which always had a place of honor wherever he went, he left behind. Why poke at an open wound?

Soon everything was packed. He took a final look around; there was nothing left. He sat down to write his note to Jim telling him he was leaving and about his change of doctor. He set his comm to send the message later once he was gone. Afterward, he summoned a taxi to take him to the bank, then to the public shuttle port. He set his Fleet issued comm gently beside the picture of him and Jim, running a gentle finger across the two figures in the holo. He would buy a new private comm as soon as he could. He looked at his chronometer. It was lunch time, but the thought of food made him feel nauseous. He knew he had to eat something soon, he hadn't had breakfast, but he'd grab something at the shuttle port. With a last look at the empty apartment, he closed the door both literally and figuratively on the life he'd had for the last four years.

                                                                           ~~~~~0~~~~~

In his hospital room, Jim finished speaking with his physical therapist about his rehab which was scheduled to start tomorrow. When they finished and the therapist left him, Jim frowned at the closed door. Where the hell was Bones? He thought Bones would have been here for the meeting, but he hadn't shown up either for his daily morning visit or for the therapist's appointment. Jim bit at his bottom lip worriedly. He hoped Bones wasn't sick. He'd been looking pale, very tired and worn out. As always, he'd'd been meticulous about Jim's care, but he'd also been emotionally distant. Since Jim had woken up from his coma, they hadn't really talked much or bantered and teased like they usually did whenever they were together. Jim frowned, a sudden realization hitting him. Come to think about it, it had been that way not only since Jim had woken up, but to some extent even before Khan. Why the hell was he just realizing that now? Had he been so self absorbed that he hadn't noticed that his best friend looked ill and troubled?

Jim looked up as someone knocked on his door. He smiled in relief, then frowned. Why was Bones knocking? Bones never knocked. They'd always been free to come in and out of their quarters without announcement or hesitation.

"Come in," he called out and Dr. Boyce walked in.

"Dr. Boyce. This is a surprise, Sir. It's very nice of you to come visit me." Jim looked up at him, smiling. He liked Dr Boyce, and he knew Bones thought the world of the man.

"Captain. You're looking very well. I understand you'll be starting rehab tomorrow."

"Thank you, Admiral. Yes, thanks to Dr. McCoy, I'm well on the way to a full recovery." Jim looked a question at him. "Dr. Boyce, do you happen to know where Dr. McCoy is? He hasn't been in this morning for his regular visit, nor for my appointment with the physical therapist."

"Yes, well...that's why I'm here, Captain." He sighed and sat down. He was not looking forward to this conversation. "I came to let you know that Dr. McCoy is gone and that I'll be taking over as your doctor of record. However, Dr. M'Benga will be in charge of your day to day care."

Jim blinked in confusion, not understanding. "Gone? You said Bones is gone? Gone where?" The bewilderment in Jim's eyes told Boyce everything. The Captain knew nothing. "Is Bones all right, Admiral?" Jim asked, suddenly worried.

"I don't know where, Captain, and no, I don't think he's all right. He came to my office this morning, distraught and very agitated, to ask me to approve a leave of absence for him. I, of course, granted it immediately. The man has more leave time than 5 other officers combined."

"But...but..why?" Jim asked, still utterly confused. "What happened? Where did he go?"

"He didn't say where he was going." Phillip Boyce drew in a breath. He knew Jim Kirk was not going to like what he was going to say. "Captain, what he told me was that he believed you didn't want him as your doctor anymore."

"What?" Jim looked even more bewildered.

"Leonard said that you felt he was being over zealous about your care and that you told one of your crew you needed a break from him. He felt that perhaps you needed a more detached and objective physician. I have to agree that detachment is certainly not Dr. McCoy's forte. It's inherent in his nature to worry about and nurture those he cares for. So, to this end, I have agreed to take over as your doctor of record.  As to where he was going, I'm not sure. He did mention one of the frontier planets as a possibility. He said they always need doctors, which is, of course, true. That did concern me a great deal, because as you know, Captain, some of those planets are quite dangerous and even lawless and Fleet personnel are not welcomed there. However, that was only a passing mention."

Jim just looked at him blankly, feeling as if the earth had shifted under him. Bones was gone, and to a dangerous frontier planet? What the hell! What had happened? None of this made any sense at all.

"Captain? Are you all right?"

Jim ran his hand down his face and tried to pull himself together. He nodded. "Yes, yes, Admiral. I'm all right. This is just totally unexpected, Sir. I had no idea Bones was leaving. He never said a thing to me. Thank you for coming to let me know." He looked blankly at Admiral Boyce. "I don't understand any of this...and, Sir, it's very out of character for Dr. McCoy to do something like this." 

Boyce nodded. "I completely agree with you, Captain. I have never seen Dr.McCoy like he was this morning. The man is always steady as a rock, but not today. All I can tell you, is that whatever precipitated this crisis, this decision, it was something very profound and disturbing to him. Leonard was distraught and very shaken. However, I can assure you that it had nothing to do with his daughter or his mother. Of that I'm certain. In my opinion, I believe it had something to do with you, Captain. You're the only one he mentioned."

Jim leaned back in his bed, reeling. "Me?"

The Admiral nodded. "As I've said, you're the only person he mentioned, said that you no longer wanted him as your doctor. His exact words were, 'Jim thinks my care of him is too much, that I'm too much."

Dr. Boyce looked at the shocked, bewildered Jim. _Something is very wrong here_ , he thought. _These two have somehow gotten their wires crossed._ He thought of Leonard's anguish, of Kirk's obvious stunned ignorance and gave a mental shake to his head. He'd have to see what else he could find out. It wouldn't do to have the best surgeon in the Fleet running around, putting himself in danger on a lawless planet for some unknown reason. "I'm sorry to give you such little information, Captain, but that's all I know. Now if you'll excuse me, I have many pressing duties to attend to, so I must go. Just to clarify once more. I will be your official physician of record, but Dr. M'Benga will be in charge of your actual care as soon as he returns from his conference."

"Yes. Yes, Sir." murmured Jim, still addled. He barely noticed when the Admiral left and gently closed the door behind him.


	2. Chapter 2

**The Hour of Lead**

  
**Chapter 2**

 **"The gift of truth excels all other gifts."**  
**Buddha**

"Oh, Bones... what's happened, what have you done, where have you gone?" Jim whispered to himself. His comm pinged shaking him from his rampant anxiety; he had a message...from Bones! With trembling fingers he opened the message.

 _Jim,_  
_I'm going away for a while and I think it's gonna’ be for a long while. It's for the best, Jimmy. Dr.Boyce has been kind enough to grant me a leave of absence and keep it open-ended. I'm sorry, Jim, I'm sorry that I've been too much for you. I'm sorry that I've been over zealous and too over the top in my care of you. You're right about that, but I don't know any other way to be with you. I know now, that it's something you don't want, so I thought it best to turn your care over to Dr.Boyce and to Geoffrey. They'll take good care of you, but neither of them will get too over involved with your care._

_I don't know where I'm going yet, or when I'll be back, or even if I'll be back. Also, it's probably best if you start looking for another CMO because I'll be resigning. I'm tired, Jim. I'm all worn out, in body, mind and spirit; my hands shake, I worry all the time, and I don't ever sleep very much. I know it sounds like PTSD and maybe it is, at this point I don't even know. Anyway, I don't think I can be a good CMO for you anymore, so you need to find someone else to take my place._

_Take care of yourself,_  
_Goodbye, Jimmy_  
_Bones_  
_Ps. I hope you and Spock will be very happy together._

 

By the time he finished reading, Jim was in a panic and his heart was pounding so hard, he felt as if it was going to jump out of his chest. _No, no, no, no! Bones couldn't be gone!_  He'd promised Jim he'd never leave him, he'd always stay. What had happened? Why had he gone? In spite of Bones' promise, Jim had always worried that he'd do something so incredibly stupid ( _like dying?_ his helpful brain supplied), that someday he'd go too far, be too reckless and that Bones would get thoroughly fed up and leave him. Now it had happened.

He tried to calm his terrified self to think. What had happened to make Bones suddenly run like this? With shaking fingers, he flipped open his comm to call Spock.

"Spock here."

"Spock I need for you to go to Bones' quarters right away. I'm sending you his door code." Jim's voice was shaky, fraught with panic.

"Jim! What has happened? Is Leonard ill?"

"Questions later, Spock. Just go, then comm me right away and tell me what you find."

"Very well, Jim. I am on my way."

Jim closed his comm trying to control his mounting dread. _Okay, okay,_ he said to the empty room. _Think, James, think_ , he commanded his agitated brain. _Pull yourself together and think! Something happened to Bones this morning, maybe even last night, but what?_

In spite of his agitation and terror, Jim put his genius brain to work. Everyone on his ship had some sort of superior skill set; something they did extremely well. Jim had many such skills, but one of his best was how to figure out the answers to problems, mysteries, puzzles; how to disassemble information in his brain and reassemble it so it made sense. He could do this with any type of problem; verbal, mathematical, tactical, even alien or human conundrums. Sooner or later he always figured things out. That's what made him such a great tactician. Somehow his brain took the disparate bits and pieces of any type of problem and put them together again in a way that provided him with answers.

Jim knew Bones better than anyone, knew him even better than he knew himself. So, he just had to figure out what had happened to make Bones run. And, Jim thought grimly, no matter what, he would fix it somehow. Bones had to come back. Jim couldn't possibly live his life without him; he couldn't run his ship or be a good Captain without Bones at his side. He just had to come back, simple as that. While he waited for Spock, frantic though he was, he let his brain work on the problem. He read Bones' note again, trying to ignore the ache in his heart as he read the heartbroken words in front of him.

"Damn it!" Jim sat up so suddenly, his neck creaked; he'd just remembered his heartfelt conversation with Spock. It had taken place about the same time Bones usually came by in the morning to check on him. He groaned as he remembered the words he'd used to express his frustration with Bones' mother-hen attitude. He must have overheard Jim and he'd been hurt, yes, and probably even angry. But...would that have been all there was to it? Would that have been enough to make him leave? Jim frowned thinking about it. No, he decided with certainty. If that had been all, Bones would've just come in and yelled at him for being an idiot. He would have been his usual pissed off self, scolding and growling at Jim about his juvenile attitude. His comm pinged, startling him. He looked down, Spock.

"Yeah, Spock?" He clutched the comm tightly, afraid of what he would hear.

"Jim, the apartment is totally empty. Leonard has taken everything he owns. There are only two things left here."

"What? What did he leave?" Jim asked, feeling dread pooling in his gut.

"The picture of the two of you from the Academy, the one he's always had on his desk, and his Fleet comm." Spock stopped talking. Jim heard him huff in a breath, a sign he was deeply concerned. "Jim. What has happened? Where is Leonard?"

"I don't know, Spock, but I'm going to find out. Come back here to the hospital, bring the picture and comm with you, and bring Nyota too. I need to pick her brain."

"We will be there shortly, Jim."

Jim rubbed his chest, trying to ease the ache there. He could feel his pulse hammering in his neck, jumping in his wrists, the frantic, panicked rhythm of his heart. Bones had left that picture behind, his favorite picture of the two of them, a picture he'd always treasured, carried with him everywhere he went. Jim had the identical one in his own quarters. It was a clear indication of his state of mind, his break with their shared past. Jim picked up the note again. What the hell did Bones mean saying, _I hope you and Spock will be very happy together_. He couldn't possibly mean what it sounded like. That didn't even  make sense. Bones knew Spock and Ny were in a committed, exclusive relationship, had been for years. Everyone on the ship knew it, right? It wasn't exactly a secret; yet those words sounded to Jim as if Bones thought Spock and Jim were together as in "together!"

"Ewe," Jim thought. No, just no! Not that he didn't think the world of Spock, he did, but not like that. God no! They were friends now, but that was all. Besides Nyota would have his balls on a platter, actually both their balls on a platter. Yep, a platter of balls, Jim thought hysterically. He shook his head and pulled himself together. Was it possible that somehow Bones thought that it was true? And if so, why? Why would he think that? Jim thought hard. In the weeks before Niburu and Khan, he and Spock had spent a lot of time together. Jim had made it his mission to try and build a friendship with the guy, a friendship like the one Old Spock had shown him in the mind meld, an epic friendship and command team like he'd had with his Jim. Had Bones misinterpreted Jim's totally focused overtures toward Spock? Had he seen something more in them than there was? Had Jim inadvertently neglected his Bones in trying to win Spock's friendship? Jim groaned again. Of course he had. James T. Kirk was nothing if not singleminded in pursuit of a goal. His agile brain flung him back to the days and weeks just before Nibiru and the shit storm that happened before Khan. It showed him picture after picture of him and Spock, on the bridge, in the mess, in the rec room, talking, doing stuff together, playing chess, eating together, with Bones always on the sidelines. Jim groaned. Why? Why had he done that to Bones? The answer came bitter and white hot. Because Bones had always been a given, a certainty in his life, while Spock had been a big question mark, and Jim Kirk could never stand question marks. He had to have resolutions and always, always, answers.

Damn it to hell! He'd been an absolute idiot! Then, on top of all that, there was the elephant in the room. The big thing neither of them had had the courage to talk about yet. Jim's death and why he hadn't called for Bones as he was dying...and suddenly Jim's brain flashed him the too vivid picture of his waking up and thanking Spock and not Bones for saving his life.

Yeah. So there it was, all of it; no doubt about it. In Bones' mind two and two had added up to four and with good reason. The empirical evidence of Jim's fascination and interest in Spock must have seemed overwhelming to a hurt and bewildered Bones. _Oh. My. God._ _What have I done,_ thought Jim. And the irony of it all? This was exactly the opposite of what Jim really wanted, what he’d always wanted. For years his heart had yearned for Bones, had skipped a beat when he thought of that sweet, honeyed, southern drawl and the grumpy doctor behind it. Bones meant everything to Jim. He remembered how he'd almost lost it when Bones’ arm had been stuck in the torpedo, how he'd almost lost Bones. Only Uhura had witnessed his near collapse on the bridge, Bones had not, nor had Jim told him for fear of revealing far too much about his feelings.

There was only one goal that Jim had never even attempted to attain, his desire for Bones, his need to have Bones belong to him body and soul. He'd always sublimated his deep love and sheer want for his best friend. He'd loved the guy for years, but he'd never acted on those feelings, never had wanted to rock that boat. Their deep friendship had always been something that Jim treasured, protected and valued above all else. Jim was sometimes reckless, but never with his Bones nor with their friendship. Yet somehow, in protecting that friendship, Bones now thought Jim loved someone else, Spock. Jim groaned. His very vocal frustrated, exasperated, bitching and whatever else Bones had over heard had only confirmed his belief. So, as always, thinking only of Jim's happiness, he'd gotten out of the way as fast as he could.

His hospital room door opened and Spock and Uhura stood there. Uhura looked at him with fury in her eyes. "What did you do? What did you do to Len? And after all he's done for you!" She yelled at Jim.

"I don't know, Uhura," Jim yelled back. "I don't have the slightest idea what the hell happened. I just know Bones is gone. He just took off!"

"Jim, please calm down," Spock said, sending Uhura a reproachful glance. "It is not good for you to get so agitated."

"What did you find at Bones' place, Spock?" Jim asked, ignoring Uhura's furious glare and Spock's suggestion to calm down. There was no way in hell he was going to calm down. Not with Bones gone, maybe gone forever. His heart hurt just thinking about the possibility.

"Here is all that I found, Jim." He handed Jim the picture and the comm. "The comm is locked."

Jim punched in Bones' code and looked at the history. Two recent calls, one to Eleanora, and one to a taxi service. He punched in Ellie's number and she answered immediately. "Leonard, son, I'm so glad you called back. What's going on? You sounded so upset! I've been so worried. I don't understand? Why are you leaving?"

"Ellie, it's Jim. Where is Bones?"

"Jim, sweetheart! Thank God you commed! Is Leonard there with you? He commed me a while ago with some wild tale that he was leaving Earth, that he couldn't be your doctor anymore or your CMO. That you didn't want him around anymore. Jim, what's happening? Len sounded heart broken, so distraught! He hardly made sense or let me get a word in edgewise."

"Ellie, I don't know what happened. Dr. Boyce just came in to tell me that Bones asked for a leave of absence...all of a sudden, out of the blue. He didn't say a word to me. What did he tell you?"

Jim listened to the distressed voice of Bones' mother, but she had nothing helpful to add. "Jim, I've never heard Leonard so upset, not even after his divorce, or even David's death. Did you two have a fight? Did you really tell him you didn't want him with you anymore?

"No! Of course not, Ellie! Bones and I didn't have a fight, we never fight." It was true. In the four plus years that they'd been best friends, he and Bones had never fought. True Bones scolded him, groused at him, and occasionally Jim groused back, but an actual fight? Never.

"I'm so worried, Jim. If you're using his comm that means he left it behind on purpose. He doesn't want to be found. He said he'd send me a message when he got to where ever he was going. For me not to worry." She sighed. "As if I wouldn't worry. I don't know what to do. We might just have to wait until he contacts me again. I simply have no clue where he might be going." There was a helpless silence from both ends of the comm. Then Eleanora exclaimed, "Wait! Wait! I've just thought of something. Let me comm Jocelyn, she and Joanna are on Cerebus, but I can reach her and ask if Joanna has heard from her father."

"That's a great idea! I can't see Bones just leaving and not telling Joanna anything. Comm me right after you talk with Jocelyn, please Ellie."

"Of course I will. I don't understand any of this, Jim. I don't understand it at all. It's not like Leonard to just leave you, especially with you still in the hospital. You know how protective he's always been of you. The sun rises and sets on you as far as Leo is concerned. That boy worships the ground you walk on, loves you with his whole heart and soul."

"And I love him too, Ellie, I do." The admission felt like the weight he'd carried for far too long had finally been lifted from his shoulders. It felt good to finally say those words out loud after holding them in for so long. Even if it was the wrong person he said them to, now the truth was out there.

He closed Leonard's comm and looked at the concerned faces of Spock and Uhura. "Ellie thinks we just need to wait until Bones comms her again, but I don't agree. Spock, we need to find him as quickly as we can. What if he does go to one of those frontier planets? He wouldn't be safe there, he could be killed!" Jim pounded on the side of the bed in frustration.

"What?" Uhura sounded horrified. "What do you mean, Jim? Len’s going to a frontier planet?"

"That's where he told Dr. Boyce he might go."

"Jim!" Spock protested. Uhura just looked frightened.

"I know Spock. It's unthinkable. Bones could be going into terrible danger, and you know he's shit at hand to hand, and he's only adequate with a phaser. He wouldn't stand a chance in one of those places. There's no law at all in most of them and they hate Fleet."

Spock nodded reluctantly. It was true. The doctor was a strong swimmer, a fast long-distance runner, a good boxer, but he was not at all proficient in self defense. He had barely passed the minimum requirements for phaser use and the mandatory self defense hand to hand combat. "Nyota and I will go to the Fleet shuttle port and make inquiries. Perhaps we can find out something. Jim, please try to remain calm while we are gone."

Jim nodded to appease them, but calm was the last thing he was. He raised the head of the bio bed trying to calm his racing thoughts and put his brain to work. First, and of highest priority, was to find Bones, make him understand that Jim loved him, had loved him for years, and that he most certainly did not love Spock. He realized he'd done the last thing he ever wanted to do, he had hurt Bones. Hurt him enough to drive him away. Bones thought Jim didn't want him in his life, didn't even want his friendship anymore, and for some reason he thought Jim and Spock were in love. No wonder Bones had been distant with Jim, something he'd never ever been before. It was because he was deeply hurt. In his single minded drive to prove that he and Spock could become great friends, like Old Spock and his Jim had been in that stupid other universe, Jim had neglected and taken for granted the person he loved most. Bones had always been there for him, and Jim had just blindly assumed he would always be. Jim's whole body writhed in shame. Oh God! He was a blind, unmitigated, ungrateful ass. If he wasn't in the hospital he'd get himself a stiff drink... or twenty! He swore to himself that he'd fix this when he found Bones; he refused to think  _if_ he found Bones.

A sudden doubt assailed him. Even when he found Bones, would he be able to convince him that Jim's love spanned years? That it wasn't a new thing, that Jim wasn't interested in a fling or having Bones as a fuck buddy? That Bones was it for Jim. Would he even believe Jim after his behavior with Spock? His eyes blurred with sudden tears at the thought it might be too late to salvage his debacle.

Bones' comm beeped and his heart jumped before he realized it was Eleanora. "Ellie! What did Jocelyn say?"

"Leonard hasn't contacted Joanna yet. I tried to be discreet, just told Jocelyn he was off planet doing something secret. I told her I was worried about his assignment, so that if he commed Joanna to please let me know. I didn't want to say too much, Jim. Any little thing Leonard does that Jocelyn doesn't like, she tries her best to use it against him."

Jim knew that, and oh how Jim hated the woman! She had almost destroyed Bones! "You did the right thing, Ellie. Do you think Jocelyn will let you know? That woman has never done a thing except make Bones' life a misery."

Eleanora's sigh could he heard across the miles. "I know it, Jim. My poor boy. But don't you worry about that, If she doesn't, Joanna will tell me during our weekly comm calls. If I find out anything, anything at all, I'll comm you right away. You do the same, please, Jim."

"Of course I will, Ellie," he promised her.

 

.


	3. Chapter 3

**The Hour of Lead**

**Chapter 3**

**"You don't know how long I have wanted**  
**To touch your lips and hold you tight, oh**  
**You don't know how long I have waited**  
**and I was going to tell you tonight**  
**But the secret is still my own**  
**and my love for you is still unknown."**

  
**Heart**

 

Jim went back to his brooding while he waited for Spock and Nyota. He cursed his weakness, his helplessness, he needed to be up and moving, trying to find Bones. It was killing him to just lie in this damn bed, helpless, impotent. The door to his room opened. It was Spock. His face was, to Jim's eyes, even more impassive than usual.

"Spock! What did you find out? And where is Ny?"

"We tracked the doctor to the Starfleet shuttle port. After I identified myself as his commander, the shuttle authorities were very helpful. Leonard took a shuttle just before noon; it was a short flight to the public shuttle port on Jupiter's moon, Io."

Jim winced at the thought of Bones alone on that shuttle, his anguish and distress probably making his aviophobia much worse. Mostly, Bones kept it under control, only showing his occasional distress to Jim. As Captain, Jim always monitored Bones as unobtrusively as possible, because one of his greatest fears was that Bones' aviophobia could get much worse and he would have to be relieved from duty and leave the ship.

"Nyota is on her way to Io. She will try to discover Leonard's next destination." Spock looked at Jim, a faint frown marring his smooth forehead. "You have not yet told me what has transpired. Why has Leonard fled, Jim? And with you still in the hospital. His behavior is aberrant and completely out of character for the good doctor. Your health and well being have always been his first priority, always of paramount importance to him. For two weeks while you were in your coma, he didn't sleep or eat, he refused to leave your bedside. He monitored you every minute. Nyota and I feared he would break down." Spock looked slightly bewildered. "There was no reasoning with him to rest. He would get extremely angry when I commanded him to take a rest period. He was most illogical."

Jim sighed. "I know Spock, I know. Please sit down. I'll tell you what I know and what I've surmised and now that Ny isn't here I'll show you Bones' letter to me."

As Jim recounted what he knew, Spock's eyebrows kept climbing higher and higher. Then Jim let him read Bones' note.

Spock stood up, his body stiff, hands clasped behind his back. The weight of his dark intense gaze had Jim pinned firmly against the bed. "So in effect what you are saying is that Leonard overheard part of our conversation and drew erroneous conclusions." Jim knew that terse monotone; Spock was royally pissed.

"Yeah," Jim said, miserably.

"But those conclusions were only partially erroneous, Jim." Spock said, as always, ruthlessly direct and precise. "You did voice that you were frustrated and unhappy with Leonard's constant care of your person. He did interpret your remarks correctly and from what you have told me and Dr. Boyce surmised, I conclude he was very hurt by what he heard you say. You, Jim, more than anyone, are aware that Dr. McCoy has had relationship issues in the past and is insecure to this day. This is a direct result of the way his former wife disparaged, deceived, and insulted him. It caused him great pain, or so Nyota has explained to me. She has also told me that his only emotional security comes from you, Jim, from your deep friendship and support. It is evident that Leonard is in acute distress. You must remedy his hurt as quickly as possible. As soon as you see him, you must be forthright and direct in your conversation with him in order to convey your deep affection and regard for him. There must be no equivocation on your part, Captain, because Leonard seems to think we are in a romantic relationship. I do not understand how he arrived at this conclusion, but it displeases me a great deal, and it is fortuitous that Nyota is not here to read this note. Please make sure she does not. However, it is evident that since Leonard thinks so, it is certainly much more understandable why the doctor has fled." 

"Jeez, Spock, don't hold back!" Jim's face was flushed with embarrassment and shame. "Rub more salt in the open womb, why don't you. Yeah, I was an ass, but I didn't mean it, I was just frustrated lying in this bed not able to do anything. I'd sooner cut off my right arm than hurt Bones. Hell! I love the guy to distraction."

Spock's face became even more impassive. It was his " _Humans are unnecessarily complicated, and Jim even more so_ ," face. "I do not like the thought of causing the good doctor pain because of a misunderstanding that I, although inadvertently, was a part of. Your withholding the truth of your deep affection for Leonard, the fact that you reciprocate his feelings and have not told him, must be remedied as quickly as possible. We must find him so you can tell him this. The knowledge that you love him will do much to mitigate his hurt. Of that I am certain." A faint frown made its appearance on Spock's smooth forehead. "You must somehow fix this debacle, Jim."

Jim winced. Shit, he was getting romantic relationship advice from a Vulcan. God...it was...it was...humiliating...a new personal low. "Of course we have to find him, Spock. I can't be without Bones! I need him! Wait...wait.... What do you mean reciprocate? Reciprocate as in Bones reciprocates my feelings? Spock, do you know something I don't?"

Spock stared at him. "Jim, do you mean to tell me you do not know that Leonard loves you?"

"What? What? Bones loves me, really?" An absolutely beatific grin broke out briefly on Jim's face, then faded away. Jim looked at Spock uncertainly. "You're not shitting me are you, Spock? Don't toy with me, not about this. Bones really loves me?"

"Jim, the whole ship is aware of his feelings. Leonard's feeling for you are patently obvious to anyone who has eyes to see;  _except_ _for_ _you_ , remained unsaid. "I find it remarkable that you did not know this." Spock looked at him dubiously. "I thought you were an astute judge of character, Captain, and most particularly of the doctor's character, but now I find that I must revise that supposition." Spock made a tiny, suppressed sigh of annoyance at Jim's obvious denseness. "I believe there is an old Earth saying, 'There are none so blind as those who will not see.'" He looked pointedly at Jim. 

"There's no need to be insulting, Commander. It may have been clear to everyone else, but it definitely was not clear to me. Bones has always been caring, even affectionate with me, He's been my universal constant since our first day at the Academy. He's always been by my side, my rock through all my shit, so how the hell would I know he was in love with me? He hasn't acted any differently than he usually does when he's been with me...except for this week," he added sadly.

Spock's dark eyes narrowed and he scrutinized Jim as if he were a particularly unattractive specimen under his microscope.

Jim flushed red and he wiggled uncomfortably on the bed. "All right, Spock. I know that I took him for granted. I've been a blind idiot, okay?"

Spock didn't bother contradicting Jim's statement. "Jim, think! Use your logic and think of what Leonard has done for you?"

Jim was silent as he thought of all that Bones had done. He had broken his Hippocratic oath, an oath he'd lived by, an oath he'd always held sacred; he'd tossed his medical ethics out the window, then he'd obfuscated, sugar coated, and glossed over what he'd done with Khan's serum to the Medical Ethics Tribunal and to the Admiralty. Officially, for Bones' protection, Jim and the Command crew all agreed that he had survived because Khan’s blood had regenerated his irradiated cells before he died, but the truth was Bones had snatched Jim from the very jaws of death. Only someone who loved you deeply, profoundly, and absolutely, would give a gift of such magnitude, of such largess, and yet, still not expect anything in return.

"Damn," Jim whispered, overcome by the realization. Spock stood by silently, letting Jim absorb his new found knowledge.

After a few minutes of silence, Jim sighed and pulled himself together. He would have to contemplate this paradigm shift later. "Listen, Spock. I need for you to put that eidetic memory of yours to good use. What were we talking about that Bones could have overheard and gotten his wires crossed so badly about you and me?"

Spock's dark eyes went from Jim's face to look past him to the white wall behind the bio bed as he thought back to their earlier conversation. "This morning I came to visit you," he said slowly, remembering. "I sat on the side of your bed in order to speak privately to you about a matter of great importance to me and to Nyota. I informed you about my father's communication to me regarding the Vulcan Elders' decision. The Elders denied my petition for a public bonding ceremony for Nyota and I on New Vulcan."

"Yeah, I remember that part. Go on, Spock."

"I told you how much Nyota wanted this public ceremony of our bonding on New Vulcan and how hurt she would be to hear about their decision."

Spock's eyes turned inward as he remembered the rest of their conversation. "At the precise time when Leonard may have been listening, this is what we said, Jim." In a monotone voice devoid of all emotion, he recited the exact words of their conversation:

_"Jim, I do not wish to hurt Nyota."_

_"I know Spock, but you have to tell her the truth. It's not fair not to tell her. Better to hurt her now than wait and hurt her more later. You know I'm right, Spock. You've been together a long time and she needs to know the truth. Would you like for me to tell her? I'm willing to do it, to save you from hurting her. I know how hard this is for you, I know you don't want to hurt her."_

_"I do not, Jim. It is is the last thing I want to do, but it must be I who tells her, and although it will be very difficult, I will do so. It is my responsibility, not yours, but I thank you for the offer."_

_"Anything for you, Spock. You know that. Whatever you need me to do, I'll do."_

Jim looked at Spock in sudden, shocked realization, then closed his eyes, his face anguished. "Shit, Spock. What do you think Bones thought when he heard that part of our conversation?"

Spock's eyes were filled with dismay. "Leonard thought we were speaking about my telling Nyota that I wanted to terminate our relationship because you and I wanted to be together."

"Bones...," Jim said softly. He felt absolutely shattered.

Spock heard Jim's heartbroken whisper. He stared at Jim, his dark eyes hard. "Leonard is distraught as well as heartbroken because of what he thought he heard."

"Oh, Bones." Jim felt his own heart crack. "Spock why couldn't he just tell me how he felt? We've always told each other everything." It was true, they knew each other's darkest secrets. Bones knew all about Jim's harrowing past, about Frank, about Tarsus, and Jim knew about Bones' father and his bitter divorce.

"Perhaps for the same reasons you did not tell him about your feelings; his concern that it might jeopardize your friendship, make things uncomfortable and awkward between you, or perhaps his certainty that with your past history you would not be satisfied with just one sexual partner."

"None of those things are true, Spock, and I haven't bed hopped in a very long time. It just wasn't worth it. Every time I was with someone, I'd think of Bones and it just felt wrong somehow. I gave it up after a while. I thought he would have noticed by now." He sighed wearily. "We've both been a pair of idiots."

Spock didn't reply, but his silence resounded with his agreement.

"All right, Spock." Jim shifted impatiently in his bed, his face now filled with determination and resolve. "I don't care what we have to do, but we're going to find Bones! The sooner we start, the sooner we'll find him. I'm tied to this bed and to my rehab schedule for a while, but you, Uhura, Scotty, Chekov, Christine, Geoffry, and Sulu aren't. You're going to be my legs and my tech support. I don't really care how we do it, but we're finding out where Bones is and I’m going to go get him." Jim was dead certain about this, because a life without Bones was not something he wanted to contemplate.

Spock's stoic demeanor cracked. Eyes wide, he looked at Jim, not bothering to hide his alarm. "Jim, we must proceed with extreme caution. We are still Starfleet officers and you know that after what happened with Admiral Marcus and with Khan, the Admirals are not happy with any of us; they are just waiting for us to do something else they do not like in order to suspend or court martial us." Spock's voice had lost its monotone, which only happened when he felt Jim was going to do something incredibly risky and stupid and he'd be left to clean up the mess.

Jim ignored him. Lightning fast scenarios came and went in his head. He was too busy thinking of ways and means of finding Bones to listen to unimportant things like caution.

Over the next couple of days, the command crew and Christine came by one by one to visit him. They were one and all universally shocked that Leonard had left because of some terrible misunderstanding. Questions were asked, but heaven forbid that Nyota ever find out what Bones thought about him and Spock, so Jim was careful not to elaborate too much to any of the crew about what had really happened. He told them that Bones had misunderstood something he'd heard Jim say, that he'd been confused and hurt, and, that on top of all his stress from Jim's coma, the harassment and sheer grief the Admirals had put him through about the serum, it had all been too much for him. Bones had requested time off from Dr. Boyce who had approved his extended leave of absence. All the command crew and Christine were so alarmed by the thought of Leonard going to a frontier planet that they agreed to help find him.

Uhura's trip to Io had been futile. The public shuttle company refused to give her any information about any of their passengers, citing confidentiality issues for their clients, and not even Spock's command stripes could budge them. They did not have to answer to Fleet, he was firmly and unequivocally informed. Jim knew that if he could have access to the ship's main computer, he could hack into the shuttle company site to find out where Bones had gone. He hadn't asked Spock or Chekov to do it, their status with SF was still precarious. The Fleet Admirals were watching all the Command crew and every single thing they said or did with hawk like, critical, and jaundiced eyes. Every move they made was under intense scrutiny. Jim would have to bide his time and think of something else.

Eleanora reported that Leonard had already commed Joanna once, but that he hadn't mentioned where he was. Leonard had only told Joanna that daddy was going to be away for a while and that he was fine. Ellie told Jim that Joanna was unaware there was anything wrong, so she didn't question the child too much for fear it would alarm the little girl. Jim agreed. Jo must not be frightened about Bones. Eleanora also reported that Jo had told her that her daddy would comm her again soon, but, Ellie told Jim, she was sure it would be the same story the next time Len commed. Jim tried to console her (and himself) by reminding her that at least they now knew that Bones was all right, and that was a huge relief.

Meanwhile, Jim kept his raging anxiety and grief at bay by working hard at his rehab. Twice a day he did his rehab routine hard enough that he would wear himself out. His physical therapist was not pleased with him, told him he was overdoing it, but he knew he had to make rapid progress so he would be allowed to leave the hospital. In spite of all his hard work in rehab, sleep was difficult. Jim kept seeing Bones' sad face in his dreams as he tried to explain things to him, but Bones would just shake his head and walk away. Jim would wake up sweating, his pulse thrumming in his ears, his eyes wet with tears. He felt like he was lost at sea without his life boat to keep him from drowning. Wide awake, he'd pull out the holo of the two of them from under his pillow to look at Bones with loving eyes. He would trace the generous curve of Bones' beautiful, smiling mouth. _He should smile a lot more,_ Jim thought _. He looks gorgeous when he smiles. When we're back together I'll make him smile more._

When Geoffrey M'Benga returned from his conference for his first official hospital visit, Jim was already out of bed and ambulatory. "Captain," he smiled at Jim, his dark eyes alight and happy at seeing Jim upright and apparently healthy. "It's good to see you up and about. Dr. Boyce assured me you were doing well and that he'd look in on you until I could get here."

"It's good to see you, Geoff. I'm doing very well, getting stronger every day." He ushered Geoffrey out of his room. "Why don't we go somewhere more private so we can talk."

The two of them walked slowly to the Solarium. It was a pleasant place where ambulatory patients could go with friends and family out of their hospital rooms. It was light and airy, filled with green plants and comfortable seating areas. It was also private and quiet so they could talk without worrying they'd be overheard. Jim, completely reassured by the promise of doctor patient confidentiality, broached the subject of Bones' feelings for him and asked Geoff to be completely honest and open about what he knew. Geoff assured him that, he, like Christine and the rest of the Med Bay staff, was aware of Bones feelings for Jim. In vain had Geoffrey and Christine, Bones' closest Med Bay friends, urged Leonard to tell Jim how he felt. Leonard would only say that if Jim felt the same, he would have made a move by now, that Jim was never shy about going after who he wanted, so Leonard knew Jim didn't reciprocate his feelings. Neither Christine or Geoff could convince him otherwise, so they had stopped trying.

"Captain, Christine and I were shocked when we found out that Leonard was gone. This behavior is so unlike him, and to leave you! Whenever you're hurt we have to pry him away from you with a crowbar, with threats and intimidation! The man always refuses to leave your bedside. This just isn't like him at all! I just don't understand what happened to make him leave. We're very worried about him."

Jim groaned. "Geoff, I know! I'm sick with worry too. Listen, this is going to take a while, but I'm going to tell you everything that's happened, why Bones left and where we think he is."

Geoffrey listened quietly as Jim told him everything from the beginning, his face getting more and more grave as Jim continued with the whole sorry story. He looked completely dismayed when Jim finished. "This is bad, Captain. This is very, very bad."


	4. Chapter 4

**The Hour of Lead**

**Chapter 4**

**“Absence diminishes small loves and increases great ones,**  
**as the wind blows out the candle and fans the bonfire.”**

**François, Duc de La Rochefoucauld**

As Jim piloted the small transport shuttle into an orbit around Troyus 4, he breathed a sigh of profound relief. He'd made it! He was here, and here was where Bones could be found. His sense of triumph at getting this far was overwhelming. He opened the shuttle comm. "Troyus Central, this is trade shuttle _Falcon._  I'm requesting permission to beam down."

"Shuttle _Falcon_. This is Troyus 4 Space Central. Identify yourself, trade shuttle _Falcon_. Who are you and what is your business here."

"I'm James Davis, trader of goods, here to look for vendors who will sell me a variety of goods that I plan to resell or trade on other worlds. I've heard there are many such vendors here in the capital of your planet. I'd like an opportunity to conduct business with them."

"You've heard correctly, Trader Davis. Troyus 4 is an open market planet where you may purchase many varieties of goods. You may power down your shuttle, the umbilicals will keep it stationary for your stay here. Are you and your shuttle armed?"

"I have a standard two-man shuttle phaser array which is currently powered down. I also have a standard holstered phaser on my person. Those are all my weapons."

"Very well, Trader Davis. We will allow you to beam down. Your beam down coordinates are being sent to you. Umbilicals are engaged, keep your running lights on. Be sure you power off your hand phaser or you will not be able to transport. You will be allowed to keep your phaser and power it again once you have left the beam in terminal. It must be set only to its stun setting at all times while you are on Troyus 4. We conduct random checks of all phasers throughout the town. Is this understood?"

"Understood. My phaser is off, and I'm ready to beam down, Troyus Central."

"Very well, your beam down is in 8 minutes; you are now in the queue for beaming to our central terminal.”

"Thanks, Troyus 4 Central, Davis out." Jim switched off the main power to the shuttle and turned on the shuttle's auxiliary power and running lights. His communicator beeped with his beam down coordinates so he went to stand on the shuttle's tiny transporter padd to wait for his signal. He checked himself over one last time. He was wearing dark brown knee high boots, a pair of brown cords tucked into his boots, a loose white shirt and over that a syn leather vest. He had his forged identification chip ready to show, his new standard civilian communicator, and also a new civilian phaser clipped to his belt. The new communicator was encrypted to the highest level possible. Admiral Boyce had insisted on it, and it had been seen to personally by Spock and again by Chekov. Jim had also changed his appearance. His face was too well known across the Federation and elsewhere, so he'd had to travel here incognito. He knew he was now unrecognizable as Captain James T. Kirk, hero of the Federation; the hero whose picture had been flashed incessantly across the quadrant in news clips and holo vids for months. It would not do for anyone to recognize him in this basically lawless backwater planet. He hoped with all his heart that Bones' disguise had been as good and that he was fine.

Jim's stomach was full of butterflies. After almost three interminably long months, he would probably see Bones this morning. It had taken almost that long to find him. His infrequent comm calls to his mother and to Joanna had been untraceable and he'd refused to tell Eleanora where he was. In vain had she pleaded with him; she'd been gently and definitely refused. He wasn't ready to come home to see or talk to people, he’d told her. His single comm to Admiral Boyce had been equally unfruitful. Bones had told him he was not ready to come back, maybe in another few weeks, he wasn't sure yet. The Admiral had told Jim that he hadn't argued with the doctor, just told him he still had a few weeks of accumulated leave time left and asked him how he was doing and if he was safe. Bones admitted he was using an alias, that he was okay and that he was keeping busy providing much needed medical care where ever the hell he was. Admiral Boyce also told Jim that Leonard had haltingly, and stammering slightly, asked how Jim was doing with his rehab and the Admiral had given him a complete update on Jim's progress. The Admiral reported that McCoy had sounded relieved that Jim was doing so well.

Jim had felt heartened by that question, by knowing that Bones still cared, but his pain and frustration grew with each passing day. He missed Bones like a missing limb. They had never been apart from each other for more than a few days since that fateful first day on the shuttle to the Academy. As a Captain, Jim had been through enough psychological evals to know that he had huge abandonment issues. The fact that Bones had left him had been like a kick in the gut, totally unexpected and so painful that every time he thought about it, his whole body would shudder in reaction. Bones had been part of his world for so long, that he didn't know what to do with himself without him. It was only the fact that he knew he'd find Bones sooner than later, explain things to him, admit he loved him beyond reason, beyond rationality, that kept him sane and focused. For the last couple of months, Jim had spent a lot of his time waiting and walking; walking all over the Academy grounds, up and down the streets of Sam Francisco, through Balboa Park, across the bridge. He'd walked for miles, dressed in one of Bones' ratty old hoodies that he'd stolen long ago and wearing his glasses. No one recognized him, no one talked to him, no one approached him, perhaps seeing something is his face that warned them to keep away. In his head, he kept having conversations with Bones, trying to keep calm, trying to explain himself and his feelings, and missing Bones so much that he wanted to die.

With each passing day and night, he felt worse, more desperate, more alone and bereft. Jim would leave his apartment, unable to stand being enclosed and he would walk incessantly, not noticing the changeable San Francisco weather; the fog, the mist, the drizzle, the sunshine...none of it made an impression. He would walk and walk, fretting incessantly, rubbing at his chest trying to ease the pressure and ache there. Jim had never believed that people could die of a broken heart, but now he was a believer. The most that could be said about his state of mind during those days was that he endured. Yes, endured. Jim decided he liked that word, it described his condition perfectly. He'd endured these weeks without Bones, but only because he knew he'd find him, go get him and bring him home.

Jim knew that Spock and Uhura were worried sick about him; so were the rest of the Command crew. He'd lost weight and he was distant, distracted and irritable. Finally, they'd all come to his apartment, and despite Admiralty scrutiny, offered to help him find McCoy by any means possible. Jim had welcomed the offer. After several weeks of trying, he had gotten absolutely nowhere by himself.

In the end, it had been Uhura who'd finally found him. She'd put out careful and discreet feelers to all the Communication officers she knew across the quadrant, asking them to check space chatter for news about a "new" doctor practicing medicine in one of the remote frontier planets. They were a close knit group these Communication officers, although most of them had never met each other in person. They knew one another by voice only, through their comms, passing the long hours of down time and boredom chitchatting across space. When Uhura's call for help went out, they had all responded. It had taken time, but at last one of her comm friends told her he'd overheard some space chatter from a freighter. The freighter pilot had talked about an ill tempered, grouchy new doctor on Troyus 4, who had saved the freighter's badly burned engineer. The engineer had been severely injured by a coolant leak and Troyus 4 had been the closest planet, so the Captain had taken him there for medical help. The newly arrived doctor, now practicing medicine there, had agreed to treat him, all the time growling, cursing, and complaining about engineers in general and this engineer in particular being stupid and careless.

Uhura had grinned triumphantly when she'd told Jim. "Sounds like somebody we all know and love?"

"Hell yes," Jim breathed. Something tight and painful, that had been coiled there for weeks, finally loosened in his chest. Now all he had to do was figure out how to get to Troyus 4 and bring Bones home. Jim, Spock, Uhura, Scotty, Sulu, Christine, Geoffrey, and Chekov all met to plan how they were going to manage it. A few days prior to Uhura's news, Jim had successfully completed his rehab, but had not yet received any further orders. Dr. Boyce assured him that he still had free time before his next assignment, that no one wanted to rush him to get to work. He still had physical and psych evals pending in a couple of weeks; so until then, he was entirely free to do what he wanted, _such as going to get Dr. McCoy,_ went unsaid by Dr. Boyce, but clearly understood by both men. The _Enterprise_ team met and decided the best time for Jim to go was immediately. Jim would have to go alone, because the rest of them had already received their assignments and had duties to perform. It was painfully obvious and frustrating that none of them would be able to go off planet except for Jim.

The Command crew met several times after shifts at Jim's apartment under the guise of visiting, bringing food and drinks to their newly discharged Captain. They decided that the first thing Jim needed was a small transport shuttle with warp capability to travel to Troyus 4, but, more importantly, Jim would have to travel in disguise. It wouldn't be safe for either Jim or Leonard if it was discovered they were the renowned Starfleet Officers, Captain James T. Kirk and Dr. Leonard McCoy. They searched for any information they could find about the frontier planet in order to concoct Jim's cover story, his reason for going to Troyus 4. Jim would also need proof of identity to go with his cover story. Chekov told them he had a Russian friend who could and would acquire a forged identification chip for Jim.

The shuttle, it turned out, was not that difficult to find. Scotty knew a guy who knew a guy who had a warp capable two-man shuttle and was willing to "rent" it for a couple of weeks. Jim had told Scotty that money was no object, but Scotty, being a canny Scotsman, was not going to let Jim be fleeced out of more credits than was fair. So after a lot of negotiation between Scotty and the shuttle owner, the transaction was finalized and the shuttle was rented at a more or less reasonable price. Scotty, working at night, removed all of its identifying marks, painted on new ones, and somehow acquired new registration papers for the small ship ('tis best you don't ask how, Captain) and then fine tuned the warp engine. It would only do warp 1.5, but that would have to do. Jim checked it over and approved it. It was a sweet little ship, almost new and well taken care of, more than good enough to bring Bones home in.

Uhura and Christine took over as Jim's disguise artists. First, after due consideration, they decided to change his dark blond hair to a dark brown; then they decided he also had to change his famed eye color, so Geoffrey implanted semi permanent dark brown cosmetic lenses to hide Jim's electric blue eyes. The two girls checked and double checked that his new eye color looked natural and decided that he should also wear his glasses. Finally, they insisted that he begin to grow out his beard to hide his face. The scruff would be completely grown out by the time he reached Troyus 4. Finally, the two girls went shopping and picked out two sets of civilian clothing for him, not expensive, but well made, serviceable and durable, the same type of clothing that most of the space traders wore. Upon Dr. M'Benga recommendation, Dr. Boyce approved and signed off on a few days of R and R for Captain Kirk, and Jim left on his "vacation." Trader James Davis was now ready to go off planet. Jim's heartfelt thanks to his crew was universally met with the response that they all wanted their CMO back, and after what Jim had done for them, they were happy to help him bring his Bones home.

It had taken the better part of three days of travel at warp 1, but Jim finally reached Troyus 4. He was ready to confront Bones and clear things up between them. When Jim beamed down to the main transporter hub in the capital, he went through a rigorous check of his identity chip, his ship's registry, and a thorough cross examination by the transporter security guard. His phaser was checked and his person searched before he was finally given permission to go into the town in search for trade goods. When his check-in was finished, Jim held up his hand to the transporter tech. Geoffrey had bandaged it for him, deliberately leaving it sloppy; the bandage now a little dirty after three days for appearance sake.

"Is there a doctor around here? I dropped a heavy wrench on my hand and it's very painful. I think I broke a bone and I'd like to have a doctor look at it." He held up his hand and winced dramatically. The transporter tech looked at it without interest. "We only have one doctor in town," he said. "You can go see him and maybe he'll look at it. He's a sullen man, doesn't like anybody, but I hear he's a good doctor. Give me your comm and I'll put his address in for you."

Jim handed over his comm and the tech put in the address coordinates. "Thanks, man. I appreciate it."

"Good luck," the tech told him. "Oh, don't try to make conversation with him, he doesn't like it."

His mouth set in a tense, grim line, Jim walked rapidly through the small down town area following the directions in his comm. It may have been the capital, but there was only one main street that he could see as he walked. All the shops and dwellings were rustic, small, spartan, and plain. There was no beauty of any kind here; everything was strictly utilitarian. At the coordinates he was given by the transporter tech, he stopped. He stood in front of a tiny house. It was built from some kind of synthetic wood and was little more than a glorified shack with two small front windows facing the street and a front door which was closed. On top of the door was a sign that said, **Dr. Leo Abney, General Practice.** Jim took off his glasses, straightened his shoulders, and drew in a deep shaky breath. After almost three long months, he was going to see Bones again. He walked to the door, opened it and a little bell jingled as he walked in.

                                                            ..........................................................

Leonard sat at his small desk, his body turned away from the door. He faced the ancient computer he'd scrounged up, doing his daily morning chore of working on his patient files. This is how he spent a lot of his time. He worked incredibly hard to avoid thinking of Jim, of Jim with Spock, blocking those thoughts as much as he could. He didn’t want to remember anything having to do with Jim; those flashes of memory that came and went were much too hurtful for him. Also, thinking of Jim in any way made the pain of missing him harder to ignore and cope with. Suppressing and avoiding those thoughts had become the only way Leonard could deal with Jim's absence in his life.

Leonard had come to Troyus 4 on a whim, having heard gossip that they were in dire need of a doctor on this God forsaken planet. He had been careful to shed his Starfleet identity and he'd paid a lot of credits to acquire a brand new persona. He'd paid for his forged identity chip, and more importantly, for his medical credentials under his assumed name. He had arrived on Troyus 4 by boarding an old shabby transport and Leonard had only made it by taking a strong tranquilizer to be able to get on the rickety shuttle. He had applied for the doctor's job, and after a perfunctory cross examination, the head of the Troyus 4 "capital" had agreed to let him stay and practice medicine. He'd even provided the tiny house to use as an office and living quarters. He had seemed totally uninterested in anything other than Leonard's identity chip and medical credentials. Leonard had downplayed his many degrees and his forged medical credentials only stated he was a general practitioner. He'd told the head man that he was recently divorced and on the run from a vindictive ex wife and no further questions had been asked. Leonard was told that he was the first doctor they'd had in over two years, so apparently being a doctor was all that mattered.

His present situation wasn’t ideal by any means, but at least this way things were.…manageable. Leonard had found that it was best to stay very busy, avoid any alcohol, take his PTSD meds regularly, and work extremely hard at his chosen profession. After all, that was why he had come to this backwater place. So he'd set up this little office, spending some of his dwindling credits on supplies, and more credits on some basic medical equipment brought in by the traders, most of it second hand, and of dubious origin.

The inhabitants of the town, although desperately in need of a doctor, had been highly suspicious of him at first, but since there was no other doctor available, his consulting charges were low, and he didn't ask any questions other than medical ones or make small talk, his patient load had grown quickly. Soon, through word of mouth, the inhabitants of the town began to trust his medical expertise and now his days were filled with appointments. Most of his patients were mostly injuries, but he saw some chronic illnesses, and he even did some prenatal and child care. From the beginning, when he'd moved into the small office with its tiny bedroom/kitchen in the back, he'd told the town mayor/leader that he wasn't going to be here permanently, but the head man just shrugged and said they'd take what they could get for as long as Leonard wanted to stay.

Leonard's office hours were 9 to 5, Monday through Friday and half day on Saturday; he never deviated from that schedule. When he didn't have patients, and at night in his bed, he read medical journals until his eyes burned. Saturday afternoons he meticulously cleaned the office and the back room where he lived, double checked the status of his meager equipment and medical supplies, then went out to shop for groceries. Sundays he slept late, cooked his meals for the week, and then hiked around the area to get some much needed physical exercise, always with his phaser clipped to his belt and a sturdy walking stick in his hands. As he hiked, he never saw anyone to talk to, and in the time he'd been on Troyus, no one had made any friendly overtures to him. This was his life right now, what he had to do for a time until he had it in him to go back home. Every single day, he wore himself out so he could dull his pain and sleep at night.

When he'd commed Dr. Boyce, the Admiral had assured Leonard that Jim was doing well and that he'd finished his rehab successfully. Leonard clung to that knowledge every night so he could sleep. _Jim is doing fine, Jim is doing fine_ was his bedtime mantra every single night. He never, ever let himself think about Jim with Spock.

After almost three months living here, Leonard knew he was doing better. He could get through his days, and he was eating and sleeping better. He was starting to wean himself from his PTSD medication and so far he was doing well with the lower dosage. Also, he wasn't drinking to drown his pain, he had no alcohol at all in the house. That was a lesson well and truly learned after Joycelyn. He could even contemplate going back to work now, not back to the _Enterprise_ , but somewhere else, where he wouldn't have to see Jim and Spock together, maybe somewhere in a Fleet hospital setting or on another ship.

So here he was, sitting at his desk, his back to the door, typing on his ancient old fashioned desk computer when he heard the door jingle. "I'm not open for consultation yet, not 'til 9, but you can take a seat while I finish working on my files."

Jim stood there for a minute, drowning in the sound of that soft southern drawl, just looking at Bones with hungry eyes. Bones looked thinner, leaner; his dark hair longer than Fleet regulation, and he was dressed much like Jim, in casual serviceable clothes. Alerted by the stillness and silence of the person who'd come in the door, Bones turned around to see who had come in.

Of all the beings he expected to see at his door, the one he had never expected to see was Jim Kirk standing at his front door.

Leonard was completely shocked and unprepared for Jim's presence. He stood up and the chair he'd been sitting on, tipped over and fell unnoticed to the floor. As he looked at Jim, standing still and frozen, Leonard had the sudden urge to run, to get away, to disappear. He wasn't ready to face Jim, to face anyone from his life back on Earth. It wasn't until the soft sound of "Bones" came from Jim's mouth, that Leonard managed to break the spell that had fallen over him.

"Jim! What the hell are you doing here?" In spite of Jim’s beard, the darkened hair, and the brown eyes, Leonard had recognized him immediately.

Jim still stood frozen by the door; it seemed that he was just as shaken to see Leonard, as Leonard was to see him. Finally he found his voice. "You're a hard man to find, Bones McCoy. It took the whole _Enterprise_ Command team including Christine and Geoff to find you."

Leonard swallowed hard. He didn't want to do this. Seeing Jim was just too damn much, too damn hard, too painful. He wasn't nearly ready yet. He didn't want to hear about Jim and Spock and their new found happiness together. He didn't want to know who the new CMO was. "Maybe that should've been a clue that I didn't really want to be found," Leonard said. "That's what I wrote to you in my note." His voice was hoarse, but steady.

"I had to find you, Bones. I had to make sure you were okay, Dr. Boyce said you didn't look or sound okay when you left," Jim continued. "Look at it from my side, you just disappeared out of the blue, and you didn't tell anybody anything, not even your mom, Joanna, or Dr Boyce. Shit, Bones, I was worried sick about you. We all were. What the hell was I supposed to do except look for you? Find out what had happened to you?"

Leonard closed his eyes, his hands were gripping the top of the desk so tightly that his knuckles showed white. He turned his back on Jim trying hard to find some sort of equilibrium; he went over to the coffee pot and poured himself a mug of coffee with unsteady fingers. "Damn it, Jim! You found me, and as you can see, I'm just fine, and now that you know that, you can turn around and be on your way. I don't want you here, I don't want to be around you!"


	5. Chapter 5

**The Hour of Lead**  
**Chapter 5**

 **"Attack him where he is unprepared,**  
**appear where you are not expected.”**

**The Art of War**

And with those words, Jim Kirk finally broke! His worry, pain, and grief over Bones leaving him suddenly overwhelmed him. There was a sharp intake of breath as he whispered, "Bones, no!" His voice was so devastated, so broken hearted that Leonard turned to look at him. Jim looked sideways, away from him, but Leonard saw his bottom lip tremble and his eyes fill with deep pain and sudden tears. Jim sucked in a deep shuddering breath that hitched and became a sob. He pressed one fist tightly against his mouth and Leonard saw the deep swallow and his jaw clench as he tried to keep another sob in.

Leonard felt his own breath catch and his heart gave a painful throb. This was Jim, his Jim who never cried, who could withstand torture, agonizing pain, deep trauma. Jim who'd gone through Tarsus as a young boy, and even that experience had not broken him. Leonard's feet had him across the tiny room before he realized it. "No, no, no! Don't, Jim. Don't cry, darlin'. I'm here, Jimmy, I'm right here." His heart hurt even more at seeing Jim's pain than it had ever hurt at his own. He put his arms around Jim, hugging him tightly and closing his eyes at the feel of the warm, beloved body pressed so close to him.

Jim moaned against him and Leonard felt the hot tears through his thin shirt. "Shhh, it's all right. Everythin's gonna' be fine. You're gonna' be just fine." Leonard kept murmuring soothing nonsense, not even aware of what he was saying, just knowing that he had to comfort the broken-hearted man in his arms.

"Bones...Bones…," Jim sniffed loudly. He pulled out his hand from between them and put it blindly on Bones' face. Leonard covered it with his own. "Bones," Jim murmured brokenly into the broad shoulder. "I had to come find you, I just had to. I thought I was gonna' die without you. I love you, Bones. I've always loved you, ever since you gave me your flask on that damn shuttle.” Jim drew back and looked, with tear drenched eyes, into the hazel ones he loved. Both of Jim's hands came up to bracket Bones' cheeks, feeling the pulse galloping madly under his hands. He stroked the stubbled cheeks with the pads of his fingers. “You, Bones. It’s always been you. No one else. Not Spock, not anyone but you. You got it all wrong. It's you I love. Always have, always will."

"Jim...!" Bones sounded stunned. "Not you and Spock?"

Jim shook his head vehemently. "No, Bones. You. It’s only ever been you."

"But I heard you," Leonard whispered, his voice rough with remembered anguish.

"No, sweetheart. It wasn't about me and Spock. It was about him and Ny. Bad news from the Vulcan Elders. You just heard the tail end of the conversation and jumped to the wrong conclusion."

Leonard looked deeply into Jim's dark eyes and saw the truth there. He closed his eyes, suddenly weak with such profound relief that his knees almost buckled. "Oh, thank God."

Jim drew him closer, tightened his arms and whispered in Bones' ear. "I love you, Bones. I’ve wanted you for so long, wanted to kiss you, hold you. It hurt me here," Jim rubbed his chest with a shaky hand, "with how much I've missed you, how lost I've been without you. I had to come find you."

"Jim...." Leonard drew back gently, putting a little distance between them, yet not letting Jim go. "Door, lock," he said, and heard the click. Now was not the time to be interrupted. "I don't understand. I thought it was you and Spock, that you were together now. Even before Niburu, before Khan, I saw how you were trying to win him over. Then...," he swallowed hard, his voice pained, "you didn't ask for me in your last moments, Jim. You shared your last dying breath with Spock. All I got was you in that body bag. That’s all I got, Jimmy...after all we'd been to each other. And when you woke up, it was Spock you thanked for savin’ you. It was as if I wasn't even in the room. All those things you did…they...they hurt me, Jim. They hurt me a lot, so much that when I heard you two talkin', what you said about me, what you told Spock, all of it made sense." He let go of Jim then and started pacing, deeply agitated again with that same deep burning hurt inside of him

"Bones, Bones," Jim grabbed at him. "Stop, please stop and listen." He wrapped his hand around Leonard's wrist. "I'm sorry, I’m sorry, I love you, Bones. I've been an idiot in so many ways. I didn't mean to hurt you, I didn't.” He swallowed hard, his throat thick with guilt and remorse. “I've been so stupid! I know I neglected you before Nibiru, before Khan, but I was just trying to make friends with Spock, trying to win him over." He sighed wearily. "It didn't even work, all my trying, you know what he did, Bones. He submitted that report to the Admiralty behind my back, and got me demoted and sent back to the Academy. You said it yourself, he would have abandoned me to die in that volcano on Nibiru. I just wanted things to be different, to be better, for us to become the kind of Command team Old Spock showed me in that mind meld.”

He passed his hand wearily across his face. “Then all that shit with Khan happened and when you got your arm stuck in the torpedo, I almost lost it on the bridge. I almost collapsed, you can ask Uhura. I swore to myself then that I'd tell you how I really felt, but there was no time and all hell broke loose with Marcus, with Khan, with the ship. When I was climbing up the warp core, I realized I'd run out of time. I had loved you for years and never told you. I wanted you so bad, Bones, you don't know how bad I wanted you, but I couldn't bear to see you on the other side of that glass knowing what I had lost, what we had both lost because I had been a coward and waited too long. I wouldn't have been able look at you on the other side of that glass without wanting your arms around me.” Jim’s breath hitched. “I wanted you with me, Bones, so desperately that I would have begged you, begged you to open that door, and you would’ve opened it, I know you would have,” he told him hoarsely. “I knew I couldn’t do that to you. I didn’t call Spock, Bones, he was there. I didn't call him. Scotty did it, I didn't. But there he was, finally trying to be the friend I had worked for. He tried to help me, talk with me, comfort me, but in my heart I just wanted you."

Jim clutched at Bones and took a deep breath. "And then when I woke up, I was so messed up, so confused. You were making jokes, and talking about you and Uhura helping Spock. I didn't understand. Why wasn't I dead? What had happened to me? When you mentioned you had used Khan's blood I knew that only Spock, with all his Vulcan strength, could have stopped Khan. I didn't understand until later when Spock and Uhura told me that it was you who'd saved me, making the serum with Khan's blood. I wanted so badly to talk to you about it, but you were so distant, you would hardly even speak to me. All you’d ever talk about was my recovery, my meds, what I shouldn't do, couldn't do, and that hurt me." He sighed. "Then you left without a word, and it just broke my heart, Bones, it really did. I was a total mess, you can ask the crew. The only thing that kept me going was that I knew somehow I was going to find you, to bring you home."

"But...but...Jim why didn't you ever say anythin' to me?"

"I just never thought that you'd feel that way about me...I mean, we've always been so close, you've always been with me, by my side, always taking care of me, but there was never any sign you wanted more...that you'd ever want me like I wanted you, so I just tried to put it out of my head.”

Leonard snorted unbelievably. "Jim, you've always gone after what or who you want. Always. God knows, I've seen it plenty of times." It was true, Jim knew it was true. Leonard stared at him, too afraid to hope, careful of his already deeply wounded heart, because another heartbreak would do him in. "If it'd been me you wanted, you would've gone after me."

Jim shook his head. "No, Bones, all those other times, it didn't matter to me. But you, you mattered so much that I couldn't. First of all, if you'd rejected me it would've killed me, plain and simple. Second, it could've destroyed our friendship if you didn't feel the same. I couldn't risk it. You've always meant too damn much to me. You were all I had, Bones." He looked at his beautiful Bones. "You never said anything either. Why?"

"I would've, Jim, if I'd had the least hint you reciprocated. There were so many times I wanted to tell you 'cause I've loved you for so long. That day I came to your hospital room, I'd made up my mind to stop being a coward, to talk to you, get things straight between us, to tell you how I really felt about you, find out how you felt, but then I heard what you and Spock said to each other, and it just destroyed me! I thought I'd lost you forever, so I left." Leonard's cheeks flushed and he ducked his head; he looked up at Jim through his lashes. "I hadn't told you, Jim, I hadn't told anybody, but since...since...you d...." Leonard turned away, he couldn't even bring himself to say the word. He cleared his suddenly clogged throat and started again. "Since what happened to you, I've been battling bad PTSD symptoms, hiding them from everyone, ignoring them. I was so afraid I'd be taken off your case. Those two weeks when you were in the coma almost killed me." Leonard shuddered and turned away from Jim, bitterly ashamed of his weakness, as he remembered that terrible time.

"No, no, baby. Look at me! See me. I'm fine. Thanks to you, I'm fine." Jim grabbed Leonard, turned his body to face him and pulled him close again. "It's all thanks to you, Bones, that I'm here. All the good things in my life are thanks to you," he whispered. "You're everything to me, Bones. Everything! How could I not love the one person who's always accepted me? Who's always taken care of me, been at my side through the good, the bad. The only one who knows the best and worst of me?” Frantic to convince him, he grabbed Bones face and pulled him in to kiss him. At the touch of Bones' lips, a fierce feeling of elation filled him. Jim's heart had been waiting for years for this moment, for Bones’ mouth to be hot, soft, sweet and pliant on his. Jim melted into the kiss. His imagination hadn't even come close to the reality of kissing Bones.

Leonard reeled under the onslaught of that kiss. Jim kissed him like a starving man, greedy for the taste of his mouth, holding him tight in his arms. The kiss was deep and possessive, a kiss to end all kisses, a dealmaker of a kiss. Jim slid his fingers into the soft hair at the nape of Bones’s neck. Bones’ hands came up to cup Jim’s face, pouring into the kiss all the desperate longing and need that he'd felt for this man. Leonard pushed in closer, closer, feeling Jim's strong back muscles with the flat of one hand, and curling the other around Jim's neck.

Jim’s hand trailed down Len’s back, grabbing at him here and there, as if he was afraid to let go after being without him for so long. Jim knew he'd never get enough of Bones’ body, the taste, feel and smell of him. This was a wild, heady thing between them, different from any other. This was as inevitable as the sun rising, as the tide coming in, and Jim reveled in the feelings of love and lust this man drew from him.

“Jim….Jim… darlin’.” Jim had always loved the way Bones said his name. His voice could be filled with affection, exasperation, anger, worry, concern; it didn't matter, Jim loved it all. Now Bones’ soft voice was filled with love, need, tenderness, passion.

Finally, needing to breathe, they both pulled back, but Leonard didn't let Jim go. Instead he ran his hands down Jim's arms, his sides, his back, checking him carefully. Jim was here; alive, strong, and healthy once more. He could hardly believe it. His heart soared, but at the same time, he wanted to tell Jim what he'd done, to finally set down the burden of terror, love, and desperation he'd carried within him since Jim had come to him in that body bag. 

"Jim...what I did...it was...it was…crazy! I was desperate, half mad with grief. It’s never been done before.” Leonard's voice was hoarse. He closed his eyes, remembering. “It went against all my oaths, all I've ever believed in as a doctor. Doing what I did for you, it wasn't right, it wasn't. I played God, Jim, I did. But I'm not sorry. I'm not one bit sorry." He cupped Jim's face. "Not if it meant saving you, Jimmy."

He looked at Jim, beautiful, healthy, and strong before him. Since the moment he'd woken up, Leonard had been terrified of losing Jim again. He didn't know if he would be able to pull off another miracle, and he knew he couldn't live in a world without Jim Kirk in it. "I'd do a lot more than that to save you. I'd do anything. It's crazy, but it's true. I may end up being court martialed or lose my license, maybe even go to prison, but I don't care. You're alive and that's all that matters to me."

"No!" Jim told him fiercely. "That's never going to happen, Bones. I won't let it. None of us will, and that includes Admiral Boyce." Jim's soft voice in his ear was rock firm, steady and certain. "You don't ever have to worry about that, I promise you. None of that is going to happen." Jim felt a surge of wild protectiveness sweep over him. No one, no Admirals, no ethics board, no crazy ass section 31 agents, no one was ever going to touch or hurt his Bones.  
   
Leonard sighed. He reluctantly removed himself from Jim's arms, went to the front door, and lit the CLOSED sign, then walked back to Jim. "Let's go to the back room, so we can talk." He grasped Jim's hand tightly and led him to the small room he lived in. It had a bed neatly made, a small table next to the bed, a side chair with a standing lamp next to it, a tiny kitchen, and through an open door, Jim caught a glimpse of a bathroom with a shower, toilet and sink. There was one curtained window, and a back door which, presumedly, led to the outside.

"I'm afraid I only have one chair." Bones motioned for Jim to sit, and he sat on the edge of the bed, his hand still holding tight to Jim's. "Sit here and tell me about Spock. What were the two of you talking about that would've hurt Ny so much?" It was still shocking for Leonard to look into those brown eyes and not the china blue that he loved so much.

Jim saw that Bones' hazel eyes were still doubtful and vulnerable. He leaned in and took hold of both of his fine, long fingered hands. "It had nothing to do with Spock and me, Bones. It had to do with him and Ny. Spock asked Sarek to petition the Vulcan Elders so he and Ny could have a public bonding ceremony on New Vulcan. She wanted that for them. The Elders refused the petition. They told Sarek they wanted Spock to bond with a Vulcan woman so they could increase their decimated population. If he and Ny were to have children, they'd only be a quarter Vulcan and apparently that wasn’t good enough. Spock had to tell Ny that the Elders thought she wasn't good enough for him and he knew it was going to hurt her badly. It was killing him to have to tell her, so I offered to do it."

Leonard's hazel eyes sparked with anger. "Those Elders are a bunch of elitist Vulcan bastards. Ny is brilliant, beautiful, strong and compassionate. They should be thrilled she'd even want a Vulcan ceremony to honor Spock's heritage. Did Spock tell her?"

"Yeah, he told her. She took it pretty hard at first, but then Sarek told her he would be honored to have her join his clan. He said they could still have a private bonding ceremony at his home on New Vulcan and the Elders couldn't do shit about it. That went a long way to healing Ny's hurt."

"I'm glad." Leonard said simply. Jim made soft soothing circles with his thumbs on the back of Leonard's hands. There was quiet between them, then Leonard sighed softly. "Jim, I'm sorry I ran off like I did. That was wrong. I should have stayed and talked to you about how I felt, listened to your explanation, dealt with my PTSD. It would have saved us both a load of grief. I wasn't thinkin' straight and I just didn't want to deal with any of it anymore."

"I'm sorry too, Bones. More than I can express. I hurt you terribly because I was selfish as well cowardly. I'm so sorry, baby." Jim shifted in his chair as he looked at his Bones. Want, need and lust surged through him. "Enough talk, Bones. We've talked enough. I need you right now, I need to feel you next to me. I want you, Bones McCoy. Do you want me too?" He leaned forward to caress McCoy’s face and Bones turned into his palm and Jim traced a gentle thumb along his plush bottom lip.

"Jim! Of course I do! You’re all I’ve ever wanted. I think I must have wanted you since the day we met on that shuttle. I’m yours, Jim. I’ve always been yours!"

"Then come here." They both stood at the same time. In a flash, Jim pulled off his vest and shirt, and after a frozen second, Leonard did the same. Their pants came off next, lightning fast, and finally, finally, they were pressed together, skin to skin.

Jim was beside himself, frantic, as if he could melt into Bones' body. He tucked his face against McCoy’s jaw and felt Bones’s arms tight around him. He closed his eyes, breathing in the unique smell that was Bones, antiseptic, almond lotion, and soap clean skin as he reveled in the knowledge that this was his Bones, and he was finally in Jim's arms!

“I missed you so much,” he whispered. "You have no idea, Bones. I was a complete wreck without you." There was both desperation and hunger in Jim's dark gaze. "Don't ever leave me again, Bones, I can't take it," he said, with raw honesty.

“I won't, Jim. I promise. I missed you too, darlin’,” Bones whispered back. "So much that I had to work all the time, it's the only thing that helped."

McCoy’s voice loosened the vice in Jim's chest that had been there since Bones' leaving. He was overwhelmed with the need to somehow reconnect with Bones, to have him so close that he wouldn't know where he ended and Bones began. Leonard licked at the little divot of Jim's top lip and Jim opened up to him, groaning at the sensation of Bones hot tongue in his mouth. Jim kissed him frantically. Finally, finally, he could kiss Bones like he'd dreamed about for years. He felt overwhelmed, dizzy, out of control, desperate, as he broke the kiss. “Please, Bones,” he gasped, and Bones stroked his thumbs across Jim's flushed cheeks.

“It's all right, Jimmy, I’ve got you, darlin’,” Bones murmured. “I’m right here. Let me love you, sweetheart, let me take care of you.” His eyes were shining, bright with swirling colors of gold, green, brown, as he pulled Jim gently to the bed and they fell on it. The utilitarian bed was too narrow, much too small for two tall grown men, but somehow it didn't feel like it as their bodies aligned to each other perfectly.

Leonard wrapped his hand gently around Jim's neck, pulling him closer. God, he'd been wanting to have Jim like this for years! "Jim," he breathed. Jim was so beautiful, his cheeks flushed pink, his long, lithe body already sheened with the sweat of his arousal. Leonard's hungry heart clenched at the sight. He ran his hands over the beautifully sculpted muscles of Jim's back, the skin as soft as silk. His fingers stroked Jim's face and traced Jim's lips.

"Lube," Jim gasped at him desperately.

"All I have is hand lotion," Leonard said flushing, pointing to the bottle on the table.

"That'll do." There was a smile in Jim's eyes as he grabbed the bottle, flipped open the cap, and poured a generous dollop in his hand. He smelled the familiar almond scent and his arousal rose even higher. Jim closed the distance between them, his lips kissing each corner of Bones' mouth. He flipped them over, their bodies pressed tightly together, heart against heart, skin against skin, and they both moaned as their cocks brushed against each other. They explored every plane and curve of muscle and bone, tasted each other ravenously, kissed each other over and over until both their lips were raw and swollen. Jim heard himself moaning, his lips and hands fumbling all over his Bones. Finally, after satiating at least a little their need for each other, Jim pressed one hand to Bones' back to steady him and with the other took them both in his warm grasp and started to move his hand up and down. He flicked his thumb over Bones' slit, as Leonard murmured, "Jim. Jim, darlin', I love you so much."

There was a sheen of sweat on Bones' throat, which Jim licked off, thus effectively killing off Bones' last working brain cell. Jim sucked at first one nipple then the other, wanting more and more of the taste, feel and smell of Bones. Jim's total, desperate focus on pleasuring Bones had kicked into high gear. He made love to him slowly, tenderly, passionately, wringing that last bit of pleasure from Leonard’s body, so that when he came, it was a hot, dizzying, climax of ecstasy.

He stroked Bones through his release, then Bones moved Jim’s hand away and with his own shaky one, stroked him hard; suddenly Jim shuddered in Bones' arms, his vision whitening out, stars exploding brilliantly behind his closed eyes as his climax roared through him. He panted as he arched his back.

Bones murmured Jim's name, pressing kisses to his eyelids, his cheek bones, crooning soft loving nonsense in Jim’s ear as they both calmed down. Jim tugged Bones to his side, his arms wrapped possessively around him. Bones sighed and rested his head on Jim's chest, listening to his hammering heart gradually slowing down to a steady thud.  
   
Leonard slowly untangled himself and despite the murmur of protest from Jim, walked to the bathroom. He brought a warm washcloth and did what he’d always done since the first day they met, took care of Jim first, wiped him down gently, then did the same to himself. He pitched the washcloth and slid in to snuggle next to Jim again.

Jim sighed. He felt absolutely, completely, deliriously happy. "Bones," Jim murmured as he wrapped a hand around Bones' neck, pulling him tighter to his chest, humming softly at the feel of him. Leonard reached up for a short, sweet kiss. When he pulled back, Jim smiled at him, that happy, loopy, irresistible smile that always melted Leonard's heart. "Bones, that was just incredible. I always knew it would be like that between us," Jim said contently, sounding much more like himself, now that his universe had righted itself and Bones was where he was supposed to be, right next to Jim.

"Umm...?" Leonard was inarticulate in his happiness. He didn't have words to express how he felt or know what to do with himself.

Jim felt Bones' gentle hand carding through his hair, rubbing soft fingertips against his scalp. His head was resting on Jim's chest, they were pressed so close together that he could hear the steady thud-thud of Bones' heart. Jim answered him, understanding perfectly well Bones' humming question. "Because you're you, incredibly awesome, loyal, kind, brilliant and drop dead gorgeous." He turned to Bones in a surge of emotion. "Bones, Bones, Bones,” Jim murmured, his tone awed and hushed. "I've wanted this so damn long...I've waited for years,” Jim’s voice broke, but his smile was bright, beautiful and tender. "Mine, you're all mine now, Bones McCoy. Always and forever mine. My doctor. My love.” Jim gazed at Bones; he was so beautiful, so perfect, here and solid beneath him, just like he was always meant to be.

"Yours, Jimmy." Leonard finally managed to find his voice. His face shone, his eyes soft, filled with love and the joy too long denied, of finally being granted his deepest desire.

 _No_ _one_ , Jim thought, _ha_ s  _ever_ _looked_ _at_ _me_ _like_   _that_.

"Always have been, always will be yours. In friendship or in love, in life or in death. Guess that's why the thought of you with Spock broke my heart. I lost my heart to you on that shuttle and never got it back. Thought it was the end of the us that I thought we'd always be."

Jim hugged him fiercely. "Not possible, love. There will always be an _us_ , always. I can't be without my Bones. I can't be me without you, ever."

"Me too, darlin'. There's not much of a me without a you either, I found that out the hard way."

Jim kissed him passionately. "I love you so so much, Bones. There are no words to express how I feel about you." His brown eyes shone; they weren't the azure blue that Bones loved so much, but they still glowed with profound happiness.

"I love you too, Jim, past good sense, reason and rationality, but I guess you already know that after what I did. Lost most of the good sense I had when I first met you," he smiled at Jim, both dimples out and prominent, "and the rest went by the wayside when I used Khan's blood for the serum."

Jim lovingly kissed each dimple. "Thank you, Bones. Thank you for giving me back my life, for never giving up on me." He looked deep into the hazel eyes. "Let's go home. Are you ready to go home with me? To be with me, in my apartment and in my quarters on the ship? For us to live together, because I can't get enough of you any other way unless you're with me."

“Am I ready?” Leonard looked at him unbelievingly. "You know, Jim, I've really enjoyed living here on this god forsaken planet in the lap of luxury in this two room palace while earning millions of credits. Also really loved living like a damn hermit with all the would-be Fleet assiassins all around me," his sarcastic drawl was full out and prominent. "Of course I'm ready! I'm doing a hell of a lot better now. By the time we're ready for our next mission, I'll be more than ready. I'm also ready for you to get rid of those brown contacts. I want to see those pretty blue eyes again." He grinned wickedly and ran a loving hand down Jim's beard. "I'm not sure how I feel about all this facial hair either. Might be too rough for some delicate parts of my body."

Jim laughed in delight. It was great to hear a snarky Bones again. "Good! Let's get out of this paradise you've been living in. We'll pack all the stuff you want to take with you and leave right away." He grinned wickedly. "Not to worry. Eyes and chin will be back to normal as soon as we get home." Jim's face suddenly turned serious. "Are you sure about this, Bones? Sure that you want to live with me? I want you to trust me to always be there for you." Jim knew there was no better man than Bones McCoy, that under his grumps and growls there was a loving, unselfish, giving, man. No one had a heart as big as Bones', but it was a heart that was sometimes vulnerable and easily hurt. Jim vowed that never again would he give Bones a reason to feel hurt or to doubt his love.

Leonard kissed him. "I'm sure, Jim. There's nothing I want more. I'll live with you anywhere you want, darlin', because wherever you are, wherever you go, I want to be there with you, always.


End file.
